Service...

I decided to sit by myself in the church service this morning. I wasn't having a great week at work and just needed some alone time. I didnt want to be distracted by my friends talking through the service. I'm glad that i did because i actually got something out of the message.

"If your not on the planes wings than do you really trust God with your life?"

I'm not sure if those were the exact words that Mike said, so forgive me if there wrong. But what he was talking about in the service was what i needed to hear. I'm just having a rough life and just need someone to vent with, you know.

Does anybody know how I feel?
Sometimes I'm numb, sometimes I'm overcome
Does anybody care what's going on?
Do I have to wear my scars like a badge on my arm
For you to see me, I need release

Do I have to scream for you to hear me?
Do I have to bleed for you to see me?
Cause I grieve, you're not listening to me
Do I need to scream?

Has anybody seen what's been done?
Where was my defense? No one heard my protest
The eyes of God were watching me
It's time to make my peace, let it go and be released
So I can breathe again
I'm on my knees

I've been marked, set apart
But I'm cut so deep and afraid of the dark
One drop of blood from the hole in Your hand
Is enough to heal me and make me stand

'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream for Him to hear me
Don't have to bleed for Him to see me
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening to me
I don't have to scream
I don't have to bleed
'Cause I'm clean, He is listening
And I don't have to scream



Well I'm working 10 days in a row at work. Needless to say by day 6 I'm gonna be irritable and probably goning to explode on someone. I'm not looking forward to be honest. I'm just not the happiest person right now. I found out that I'm getting overtime like you wouldn't believe Breakfast or just to hangout anyone??? let me know. Just be praying for me that work goes well for the 10 days that I'm working and that i have a good attitude going into work each morning. I just havne't been myself lately, I just feel down. No one understands what I'm dealing with friends, work and trusting God. Its hard to trust God when He's taken someone so special from me.

A thousand times I've failed
Still Your mercy remains And should I stumble again
I'm caught in Your grace
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

Your will above all else
My purpose remains
The art of losing myself
In bringing You praise
Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame

In my heart and my soul
Lord I give You control
Consume me from the inside out
Lord let justice and praise
Become my embrace
To love you from the inside out

Everlasting
Your light will shine when all else fades
Never ending
Your glory goes beyond all fame
And the cry of my heart
Is to bring You praise
From the inside out
Lord my soul cries out

^^Love this song!!^^

BEACH!!!! and things

Well my weekend was great. I went to Ocean City, Maryland with a friend from work and two other people. We left Sunday afternoon and came home Tuesday evening.

Sunday night we went to a resturant called Seacrets. It was so pretty because we were sitting near the ocean but you also come sit out in the water. It was sweet. I had a drink called The "J" and it was a fruity drink. It was amazing. Then Monday we spent the entire day out on the beach. Considering it was extremely hot out I got really burnt on my back and the back of my knees. We literly had to put sunblock on every 5 minutes. I can barely bend my one knee, let alone get in my car. But my grandma got this one plant called Aloe Vera. To be honest i never heard of that plant, but she got it from a friend of hers recently. Since i worked 9am-7pm tonight i was in extreme pain. I thought i couldn't get out of my car when i got home and when i did, i didn't think i could walk, seriously. So here is the plant that I'll probably live off for the next several days/weeks...

















Here's whats inside of it and it really works...












I'm also living off of cocoa butter lotion.




So here's a pick of what my blisters looked like today when i got off work(thats not my blister i found it on the internet)...Its pretty disgusting if you ask me...













On another note...
Life's been crazy.
Work has been outragiously crazy and stressful last week and this week considering i only worked today, but i do work till sat. and then work 10 freakin days in a row!!! Just pray for me on that one. I tend to get tired, stressed, annoyed, and i tend to get angry and bottle everything up inside and blow up by day 6 at work. I'm not ready!! :(
I'm just trying to live one day at a time right now. I'm still struggling and what not. Well I'm done writing because nothing is happening in my life that is exciting to talk about. I need a good book to read.

GRRR!!

Thats how i feel right now, is GRRRR!! I'm so angry at someone at this moment. I feel like either taking a whole bunch of pills (that I don't have), or jumping off a bridge (theres none near where i live), or doing something else. The person got angry at me for the littlest thing the other day and she's STILL mad at me today. I don't get it, people don't appreciate what i do for them, they just take advantage of you and I'm just fed up with everyone!! WHY? WHY ME? I do not understand, seriously. I wish i could move out of PA and just get away from a few people.

I'M TIRED OF BEING LIED TO!

I'M TIRED OF PEOPLE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF ME!

I'M TIRED OF ALL THE DRAMA!

I wish a had a true family to fall back onto, but i don't and just realized it now. I watched a video of my mom's car crash that she was involved with years ago, before she got really sick. I watched and i heard her voice and i was hoping that i was going to see her in the video and I DID! I realize how much i really do miss her being in my life. I was thinking if she were here maybe i would have a family to fall back onto. Sometimes i wish and wonder "why couldn't I have the cancer instead of her?" Why DID God take her away from me? I guess I still miss her. Why can't i just get over her and move on? I can't, thats the problem. No one understands me.

I've also been thinking about getting a tattoo. I'm not 100% sure on it yet, but thats been on my mind for a little while now. I want to see if my one friend will get one with me. I would love to fly down to Miami to get it by the people on the show called Miami Ink. I love that show! I want a heart and a rose with my mom's name and the date that she passed away. I'm not sure exactly what i want but thats a rough idea. I'm open for suggestions!


I visit this place quite a bit. I just go up on the hill where she's at and just talk to her or i just sit there. This is the most relaxing place i know of right now.









I wish i had someone to talk to. I'm strugging here. I feel like a failure. "was i created by accident?"